Married for just a few years, she had always dreamed of becoming a mother. When she finally held her newborn, a wave of love was followed swiftly by a tide of worry: the baby was born with complex medical needs. From that moment, her life became a whirlwind of hospital visits, medical terminology she had to quickly learn, and an ever-present fear for her child's wellbeing.
She had to quit her job to provide round-the-clock care for her baby. The process was harrowing, both mentally and physically. Home health services were insufficient, barely scratching the surface of her or her child's needs. She exhibited all the signs of burnout – exhaustion, anxiety, and a feeling of being completely overwhelmed. Her baby was hospitalized multiple times that year, each admission a heart-wrenching experience. The sense of isolation grew with each passing day. The support she had expected from her community, even her church, was not forthcoming. Her world shrank until her entire existence revolved around the care of her child.
In this relentless cycle of caregiving, she grappled with an array of emotions. Guilt was a constant companion – guilt for feeling overwhelmed, for wishing things were different, and for not being the 'perfect' mother she had hoped to be. Resentment also crept in, a feeling she hated herself for having. It was directed not towards her child, whom she loved deeply, but towards the situation that felt like it had hijacked her life. Worry consumed her. She would lie awake at night, her mind racing with 'what-ifs'. This worry was a double-edged sword; it kept her engaged but also trapped in a cycle of anxiety that solved nothing. Loneliness was another stark reality. Friends who had initially offered support gradually drifted away, unsure of how to help. Her involvement in community activities, once a source of joy and connection, became impossible to sustain. And then there was grief – a profound, lingering grief that was complex and multifaceted. It was grief for the life she thought she would have, for the experiences she and her child were missing out on, and for the immense challenges her child faced. This anticipatory grief was a mourning for a future that was so uncertain or that would never happen.
In this overwhelming situation, her depression deepened. She was desperate for any kind of help, a lifeline in a sea of challenges. And when the church finally reached out, offering support and a sense of community, it was a glimmer of hope in her isolated world. Tragically, just four weeks after the church reached out, her child passed away, leaving her to navigate a new landscape of loss and sorrow.
- A case study during the research I wish I hadn’t seen